Episode 5: Mental Health & The Holidays
Hello. I'm Jessica Samuels, and welcome to episode 5 of a way forward podcast presented by Beam Credit Union. As we get started, I'd like to acknowledge that we are here on the ancestral, traditional, and unceded lands of the Okanagan Sillix people. Today's topic is mental health and the holidays and the disparity between the music, enjoyment, the commercials, the presence, what we should be doing and feeling and the reality that many people simply are not. Mike, when we get into the last few months of the year, this is where we start thinking about holiday season.
Jessica Samuels:And actually, there's quite a few backgrounds and cultures that celebrate this time of year, we have winter solstice, we have Hanukkah, we have Kwanzaa, and we have Christmas, which is probably in our culture at this time, what we predominantly see the most. So we're going to talk about the mental health stressors, as they kind of relate to what you and I know. And in reference to Christmas, acknowledging, though, that holidays, no matter where folks are from, and any time of the year, can also have some of these similar stressors. And we're gonna get into that first. What I want to know is, what does Christmas mean to you?
Jessica Samuels:And what are the stressors that you have experienced or do experience?
Mike Gawliuk:Well, I mean it's it's really interesting because it's, I mean I look back on my life. Right? And so, when I was young, we celebrated Christmas as a family. So it was, you know, rather, you know, traditional, the tree and presents and hanging out with family and playing games and and and just having an opportunity to be together. You know, as life goes on, things change.
Mike Gawliuk:And how Christmas looks now than it did before has changed because of some things that have happened in my life. So, I lost both of my parents. My dad passed away 2 years ago just after Christmas. And so it looks a little bit different that, you know, there's there's that sense of loss which, gets heightened, during the holiday season. Obviously, who who I spend time with, around the holidays looks different.
Mike Gawliuk:Me and my son, we spend a lot of time together, have friends and and that but, you know, for me the meaning is around being together, sharing, and and having having those connections. What that's looked like again across the lifespan has has changed over the course of time. So the stressors, that may have existed when I was younger, I mean, look very different than they do today. Mhmm. So when I reflected on that that question that's that's really how I, how I frame it up.
Mike Gawliuk:Mhmm. What about your experience?
Jessica Samuels:Natural. Next question. Very similar. You know, growing up, Christmas was the excitement in the air and the buying of the presents and putting up the Christmas tree and the food and the time with family and each part of Christmas, you know, the time, the rituals that I had with with my parents in even putting up the Christmas tree and all of those things. And, and, I was when I was growing up, I was very blessed to have a large family around me, extended family around me.
Jessica Samuels:So, you know, Christmas was like a week long affair. And I don't mean the presents part of it and the gifts part of it. Certainly the food. But that time together as family, like we just you just did so many things together. And that's part of what I knew, what I thought I knew to be Christmas.
Jessica Samuels:And then you're right, as you adult and, you know, your situation changes and you get married or you get in serious relationships, recognizing that their Christmas experience is different and really making Christmas your own. So you take a little bit from here and a little bit from there and you really want to make it your own. And, and then also coming to the realization that that some of those things, that I really enjoy, maybe not everybody else enjoys. And, you know, and we're going to get to it. But even that, like that togetherness piece, because it's not even for me, it's not even just the the like, yeah, I mean, I can always budget, you know, and I can spend a little bit less or a little bit more on groceries or what have you.
Jessica Samuels:And and but one of the things that really does is meaningful to me for Christmas is time with family and friends. And I could literally pack like that whole 2 weeks, the week leading up in the week in between, just like, let's go do this and let's go do this. And that's simply not for everybody. Nope. And admittedly, so it's getting less and less for me as
Mike Gawliuk:I get
Jessica Samuels:older. So the realization, so this will get interesting as we talk about this, not only the expectations that I have on myself, but the implied expectations that I have, I'm putting on other people for their time and energy was a real, eye opener for me in the last few years, probably just maybe just around when COVID started. Because, you know, are thinking, no, it's okay. You know, you don't have to buy me any presents. No.
Jessica Samuels:I'll make Christmas dinner. But then there's these other expectations that I was putting on because I get caught up in the hype. I love it all. And so, that's a little bit of insight. So then, the net and we'll just talk about this is how do I make sure that my hopes and dreams and needs are met for Christmas, and making sure that the people around me have the same.
Jessica Samuels:So this is these are some of the things that that we can all consider during the Christmas holidays. And of course, then there's the conflict piece. And conflict, it's these times when we get together, family conflict is high during these times. I mean, I'm sure you might have some experiences or you know, I think we all could have experiences of conflict during times that are supposed to be set up as celebration.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. Well, I mean, you talk about family. And, you know, when when when we look we look at family, we look at the context of of holidays, there there absolutely can be conflict. We look at various population groups. Right?
Mike Gawliuk:LGBTQIA populations whose family may, you know, have rejected them or disapproved them of and and ultimately like ostracize people from from their own family.
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm.
Mike Gawliuk:So I mean, the context of family, what goes on conflict can look very different.
Jessica Samuels:Right. Or even if you're in that group and you are not necessarily out to your family because you're concerned about you're trying to like kind of subvert the conflict. I mean, there's that that element of that as well. And you identify that group and other groups or people who views and values may differ from maybe their family members.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. Well, and I think for myself, I mean, when I think about extended family, I think the more that gets into the mix, that's where I would have seen a little bit of conflict. And I mean, it was wrapped up in in various things. Part of it within my my family history was I'd say, a little bit of alcoholism that existed. And we talked and we'll talk a little bit more about holiday merriment, the things that can exacerbate, you know pre existing wounds that exist right?
Mike Gawliuk:On the one hand like you talk about spending, wanting to spend as much time together as possible. For some families too much time together can actually be destructive.
Jessica Samuels:Right. Toxic almost. Yeah. Yeah.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. So I I mean it's it's it's important to be you know super mindful about that and and certainly have a level of awareness in regards to yourself and what ultimately is most important and what what holiday means to you.
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm. And we talking about and kind of the flip side of that, right? So that idea of of if you too much merriment or too much togetherness, choosing to be with family, if it's not an accepting environment, either because they are aware of, or they disagree with, who you are or your lifestyle choice, or your political views, or what have you, there's a myriad of reasons why. So the flip side of that can be the loneliness factor during the holiday season, where there is the are these images of togetherness and jubilant families who seem to all be like minded and all doing the same thing and enjoying each other's company, but that simply is can it can make things you feel more lonely because you feel like you have to make a choice between yourself and your family and it can put you in the position of feeling you have to conform to others in order to celebrate.
Mike Gawliuk:Oh, oh, for sure. And I think I mean, I mean, I was just, in the US, like, a week ago and it's already started. Right? Like, the the Christmas stuff is going up and you can just you can just ultimately, tell that, like, it's it's moving forward. And so there's sort of this idyllic perspective that is shown, right, about what, you know a traditional happy holiday would be.
Mike Gawliuk:And I think the pressure to conform but ultimately to live up to that. And I think one of the things that definitely can be impactful as far as mental health goes is comparison. So when you're when you look at your experience, generally, you're looking your perspective is what you perceive to be the not so great things about your experience, comparing it to an ideal or a model that is shown as sort of the ideal scenario.
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm.
Mike Gawliuk:And I think I think that comparison piece can can be a significant challenge as well. Trying to trying to create or conform or build this this this ideal holiday scenario.
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm. Right. And create even maybe that that, you know, that gap or that giant sense of loneliness of, I think I think what it is is it leads to other questions. You know, am I good enough? Is my family good enough?
Jessica Samuels:Do I have enough money to give people the things that they should have over Christmas? Because we're associating Christmas and the holiday season, you know, again, from what speaking from which we know, is more is better. More gifts, more food, more drinking, more time together.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah.
Jessica Samuels:And that is how we're supposed to celebrate.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. Yeah. And and that that creates certainly tons of pressure and when you, when you can't or when you can't or choose not to, live up to that. On the one hand that can be very empowering
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm.
Mike Gawliuk:To make the decision to say listen I'm going to choose to to you know, experience the holidays in the way that's most meaningful and impactful, for me. And I think that's one of the one of the key pieces around being able to enjoy the holidays and not necessarily falling into the traps or the pressures of more, more, more, more presence, more food, more drinks, all of those things that that can come come along with that.
Jessica Samuels:And we're gonna give some tips of how people can do those Yeah. Manage those elements because we sometimes can be easier said than done. Certainly not, not alone in that assessment when it comes to things for mental health, but I just want to do the more and more and more, you know, it's and also to driving this consumerism piece, like I'm thinking about we just we just talked about the impact of the cost of living on our mental health and we are going into a season, like, I've been getting Black Friday emails for, like, 2 weeks and I think it's still a week away.
Mike Gawliuk:Oh, yeah.
Jessica Samuels:And then you've got Cyber Monday and then you've got Christmas and this and the the amount of pressure. So we already know, you know, that that folks are feeling the weight of the cost of living, and we're going into high consumer season. I mean, this is stressful.
Mike Gawliuk:It's stressful. And, again, linking it back, there was a, an article that was released not long after we did, the, you know, the cost of living in mental health episode that spoke specifically to debt. And oftentimes what you see is that holiday hangover right? The consumerism that takes place during the holiday the rest of it come January when that credit card bill comes that's when it hits you.
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm.
Mike Gawliuk:And, and and and you realize that, woah, I've I've overdone this. And and in some cases, gone beyond your means ultimately. Mhmm.
Jessica Samuels:Well, an interesting fact about, you know, about that and a commonly held phrase, which is the blue Monday, which I did I did do air quotes there, not because, you know, you can folks can feel blue before or after Christmas, any time of the year. And you just pointed out a reason why. But it is actually along the lines of that reasoning why that tends to be one of the bluest days of the year or the bluest weeks. It's because those credit card bills start coming in. And then you have the other things.
Jessica Samuels:You're feeling the hangover of maybe not being around family or overexerting yourself or overindulging. And that overindulging piece is the next part I want to talk about. You talked about your own family experience. I know as an adult, I'm trying to be more mindful of my consuming of not only calories, but of alcohol, and understanding my relationship with alcohol around that. But, there's these in the moment celebrations.
Jessica Samuels:And there is that, again, I feel that expectation to conform and to partake and literally the idea of being Mary is demonstrated as well, you can't be Mary unless you've got a drink in your hand and if you're going to all the different celebrations and then you have your family celebration. I mean, these are times when, it really puts the pressure on our mental health to drink, which of course has its impact, and to, I guess, I guess there's no other word other than just to conform and do as others are doing. In fact, we had seen one study that came through that says 52 percent of Canadians are feeling an increase of stress, anxiety and depression and isolation over the holidays. And so we know through this podcast that people are already feeling the stress and we are going into a time when that's going to increase. So I'm going to go back to you talking about, some of your stressors.
Jessica Samuels:So how do you manage?
Mike Gawliuk:I try to, how would I say, moderate my indulgences. I think when it comes to you know, first of all spending money those pieces certainly setting a budget and then sticking to it, is it is is ultimately something that's that's super important I think again when it comes to you know whether it's eating or drinking having a certain level of awareness that you know, well, that experience tonight may feel good tomorrow morning, it may not be as great for mental health. Mhmm. So that level of awareness, you know, trying to moderate ultimately then, you know, what you what you do do. I think it's I think it's super like you say social and there's all this going on and and these these things taking place trying to stay within some routine.
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm.
Mike Gawliuk:Right? And that is again, sleeping and and and, you know, getting getting some exercise especially if there's some, caloric overindulgence is so important. You know, one of one of the things I certainly as a as a teenager, I did was, ski. So I grew up in Vernon. So it'd be go up to Silver Star and and those kinds of things.
Mike Gawliuk:So it's I mean those are some of the things that I look at and do to try and to manage within that that overindulgence. Sometimes it works, Sometimes it works well. Other times not as much. But certainly those are some of the things that I do to try and manage within that context.
Jessica Samuels:Right.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. And
Jessica Samuels:we're gonna dig a little bit more. I want you to say a bit more about some of those elements, but just going to that overindulgence piece and you were talking about, you know, getting outside and getting active, especially about the Kellarick piece. You know, one of the things that, I've I've done recently in the last few years is I kind of have this routine where sometimes it's with a friend, sometimes I'm by myself, sometimes I have my dog, sometimes I have a family member and I just get outside on Christmas Day. So what's interesting to me is I'm a person who likes to get outside most of the time, the rest of the year, but actually, for a number of reasons during the holiday season, a little bit because of weather, but also because it's the holiday season and I'm too busy doing all these other things that I've set expectations for myself, I kind of that part of my routine breaks down. And so actually, I make sure that I get outside on Christmas Day and it has turned into its own Christmas routine and I cannot stress enough, you know, getting outside and being active, is not going to cure a mental illness.
Jessica Samuels:We've talked about the difference between mental health and mental illness, but it does wonders for your mental health.
Mike Gawliuk:Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
Jessica Samuels:If if only just because it's minus 12 degrees out and it's cold and you kind of no. But but all joking aside, and so sometimes those little things, and it's not long. I'm not going up and hiking, you know, Knox Mountain or anything like that. I'm going for a walk. Getting out of that that new normal that you're in because of the holidays and getting back into your routine is a really good thing.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. It's, I I mean, it's it's like you say, absolutely. It it it makes a huge difference. It's not going to be the thing that's going to to cure mental illness, but it is absolutely one of the things that is necessary in order to, manage your mental health.
Jessica Samuels:Mhmm. Mhmm. Which we have to do all the time and this time of year. Okay. Let's start talking about some of the other things that we wanna manage.
Jessica Samuels:Let's start with the overarching. What I really see is the overarching one, and maybe that's just my own personal overarching, is that high expectations. So the 2 grade of expectations overall, the perfect holiday. So I feel like if we if we start there, if we go into with managing our expectations, maybe we can start off right. So how do we manage that as we go into the season?
Mike Gawliuk:I mean I think that's a I mean it's a really interesting question, especially if that's that's where your where your inclination is. You know in in preparing for this one of the things you had identified is like being the perfect host. And how do you work through that? Well I'm not a great host so I don't particularly excel at that. But what I would say within in those regards is like delegating, right?
Mike Gawliuk:You ultimately don't have to do it all yourself.
Jessica Samuels:But what if they don't put the ornament on the tree in the right spot?
Mike Gawliuk:Go outside and get some fresh air.
Jessica Samuels:Thank you. Thank you.
Mike Gawliuk:I mean, I think that's important. I think it's also okay to to take a step back and maybe 1 year someone else takes that on. Right? And and and so you don't have to be the the center of it all and and allow you to to to play a different role within that. Mhmm.
Mike Gawliuk:I mean, I think those are, those are a couple of good good things.
Jessica Samuels:Some key factors.
Mike Gawliuk:And then be clear on boundaries. I do think through all of this, like, certainly being aware of boundaries and setting boundaries is going to be important. Right? Like, we talk about family and maybe where there's challenges and issues with family, the rest of it. It can be well, it's important and necessary to set boundaries, and that can be things like, you know, where there's historical conflict within families, that kind of thing is making the decision that maybe this year I am gonna sit it out and that's okay.
Mike Gawliuk:And or I'm gonna come over for dinner and that's gonna be the line and then I'm gonna leave. I'm not gonna stick around for the merriment because I know that it might not end up in a in a great direction. So I think I think being aware of, being clear of, and setting those boundaries, is is a is a big part of things as well.
Jessica Samuels:I'm I'm just gonna ask a couple more questions about that because I just realized, you know, in in can you teach us how to set boundaries? I wonder if there's folks who think a boundary setting is kind of, like, a negative thing and has to be wrapped up in a kind of, and like an acrimonious conversation. But boundary setting could just be as simple as, you know, well, I can only come over after dinner or I can only come over for dinner or I won't see you Christmas Eve, but I'm happy to be there Christmas Day. Like, is is that correct? Like, boundaries doesn't have to be, like, don't tell me what to do.
Jessica Samuels:Like, it's kind of that the the connotation of the language.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. No. And I I mean, I think I think, again, that's a that's a great point. Certainly. And this comes from our experience, family of origin, all of those those pieces that come with it.
Mike Gawliuk:So sometimes it can be perceived as being conflict laden or there's stuff that you're going to be dealing with. Like, if you set a boundary, what's that what's the impact gonna be on the other person? To me, setting a boundary is just being clear. Right? It's it's it's not about conflict and strife.
Mike Gawliuk:The rest of it is being aware of where you're comfortable Mhmm. And, you know, being very clear on this is what what you're going to do and this is what you're not going to do. Mhmm. It's not it's it certainly isn't doesn't need to be nor should it be cruel or kind. It's it's a way to take care of yourself when you're facing some of the potential stressors that comes with and and through the holiday season.
Jessica Samuels:Right.
Mike Gawliuk:Yeah. It's extremely difficult though because people have varying relationship with boundaries and what that means and what does it mean to set them and the rest of it. So it's essential. Can boundaries be learned? Yeah.
Mike Gawliuk:There's tons of courses. We do training around boundaries here at CMHA. So absolutely, they can be learned.
Jessica Samuels:And to use a bit of maybe a cheesy line that we'll see in some of those holiday movies or hear them in the songs is understanding what Christmas means to you, what are the important parts of Christmas. And I feel like that and really having a solid look at that because I think that will help you set those boundaries.
Mike Gawliuk:Absolutely. And again, I would move it from from Christmas to holidays.
Jessica Samuels:Definitely.
Mike Gawliuk:Right? Ultimately, as you identify, there's there's a number of different religious and cultural holidays that exist. You know, meaning is important. Right? And and and so understanding what that meaning is, what's most important to you, hopefully, is going to create some consideration and some self awareness around what it is that you're prepared to to to do and and where you're gonna draw certain lines, to be able to take care of your own, you know, mental health and well-being.
Mike Gawliuk:Mhmm.
Jessica Samuels:Okay. And we're and then when we talked about, the overindulgent, we we talked about the the eating and and the drinking and and other things. You mentioned something with overspending and you we talked about setting a budget again, just being mindful of the state of mind or the cost of living right now. That is a way to manage it. Maybe try not to use the credit card as much or understand that there's going to be some implications after that.
Jessica Samuels:I say that like I don't pull my credit card out at any given turn. But I think there's other some options some other options. So unique gift ideas, gift exchanges, the secret Santas, even within the family, right? Or other things, you know, you know, I know in the time going back to the loneliness, sometimes the gift of time, one on one time with a family member is an incredible gift to give.
Mike Gawliuk:Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
Jessica Samuels:And then speaking of loneliness, loneliness as it pertains to, perhaps grief or significant events in life. You shared, you know, the passing of your father, you know, a couple of years ago. You know, that is do you have tips on how to manage that from your own experience as well from a broader because I think that you've, you've this is an anniversary thing, right? So as we express this, it's the understanding that this is something that you're feeling year over year over year. Certainly, you don't only miss your father around Christmas, but it's heightened around Christmas.
Jessica Samuels:How has working through that evolved for you?
Mike Gawliuk:I mean, I think it's been a I mean, it's been a challenge. Right? I think one of the things is that there's emotions that are gonna come up. I mean, you have to allow yourself to to feel those emotions and and work through that. Part of it is maybe to to do some, some, you know, Christmas traditions that we, we used to do.
Mike Gawliuk:It might be to throw on a piece of music. Right? There's some sadness that can come with that, but also helps me to reflect on some of the good times ultimately that we had. So I I mean, I I I look at those things. But, I mean, it's a challenge, I think.
Mike Gawliuk:Also, what's important in and we've talked about this through the course of, a number of these, podcasts is is the ability to have the conversation to talk about it. Right? To reach out to someone close to you, that kind of thing. They may be sharing and that that grief as well. Mhmm.
Mike Gawliuk:Right? And to to share that this is what's going on for you and, you know, we've talked about it. Ultimately, community and connection are 2 of the key things that help, people when they're when they're struggling. And so it's it's also a part where, you know, I'll I'll I'll talk about it. And I think for other people that have experienced the same things, there's a shared understanding of what that might look like.
Mike Gawliuk:You know, but it's difficult. Like when I think I think of my dad and I think about the loneliness piece, like, my parents were married for 50 years, and and my mom passed on before, you know, my dad did and I remember being, taking him into the hospital for some physical health concerns and one of the questions that was asked of him are, you know, how are you doing mentally? Are you depressed? That kind of thing. And he said, yeah, I mean, I lost my best friend of 50 years.
Mike Gawliuk:I've been depressed. There's no doubt about that. And I think about that in in in the holidays. We talk about this issue of loneliness, Right? You know, we know 1 in 10 people experience profound loneliness.
Mike Gawliuk:We know for for half of that group, there's a higher risk of developing a mental illness. And so so it becomes then what are some of the things that you know during the holidays? You know, if you're alone either by choice or by circumstances, you know, what are some of the things that you can do to cope and manage with that? Right? And and there's a number of things like to treat yourself, ultimately cook a meal for yourself, go out and see a movie, serve in the community.
Mike Gawliuk:Yep. Right? Whether that's to go and and say volunteer at the food bank or, you know, help serve a Christmas dinner for for those that are less fortunate. Like those are things that you can do to to manage some of that. Right?
Mike Gawliuk:And and there are lots of people that are looking for social connection and, there's opportunities to to reach out and and either through the Internet or, I think as you had said, the old school method, which is cards and a phone call reaching out and potentially then trying to ultimately give that gift of time the opportunity to spend time together.
Jessica Samuels:Yeah, exactly. And thank you for touching upon that loneliness piece. We are going to dig a bit deeper on that in a in a podcast and, discuss those elements. And going back to the to the beginning part of this question, that grief piece, I mean, certainly, managing your grief, grief doesn't, you know, grief can come up any time of the year.
Mike Gawliuk:And
Jessica Samuels:so I think part part of that is also going ensuring that your grief, you're managing your grief year round, and kind of that early intervention or that prevention piece so that it's not something that gets socked away. And when you have an anniversary of a holiday or what have you, or a special day, it comes up on you. So I think that's an important factor as well.
Mike Gawliuk:Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, those are all times when you're more likely to experience that grief. Right? And so ultimately having a plan and and and I think reaching out when when that comes up is is ultimately important. And if it it gets past the point of a conversation with a friend and there's more we look at again some of those resources that are available if we're looking to or if there's a need for for counseling.
Jessica Samuels:Right.
Mike Gawliuk:And then I think the other thing, you know, we've touched on before and certainly this is aligned with loneliness and sadness is the reality of, that being heightened during the holidays and what that does as far as the risk of suicide. And I think if that's happening for anybody, that's a text or a call to 988 and there's services available 247 to have somebody to talk to if you're really, really struggling.
Jessica Samuels:Great. Thank you for that. I I I were talking about I think the way that this we've done this podcast is has helped to kind of break down that idea of the expectations of Christmas because I don't think or the holiday season, we mostly spoke about Christmas, is talking about the grief, the loneliness, the significant struggles that folks can have this time of year. Again, there's that expectation that it's supposed to be married, it's supposed to be jubilant and it can be
Mike Gawliuk:and it
Jessica Samuels:is for some. It doesn't have to be an either or. Sometimes it's combined. It's a high emotion time. Yeah.
Jessica Samuels:So thank you for ending on that note. We had tons of information, including the information you just shared. Some of the tips as well, we will compile and we'll put on the A Way Forward podcast presented by Beam Credit Union that is going to be on the website at cmhacolona.org, as you well know. Thank you so much, Mike.
Mike Gawliuk:Thank you.
Jessica Samuels:Beam Credit Union is proud to be a part of communities all across BC with over 50 branches and insurance offices dedicated to supporting your financial journey. Beam understands financial wellness means something different to everyone, and they're here to help you achieve your unique goals. Whether you're saving for the future, planning your next big step, or just looking for peace of mind, Beam Credit Union is by your side. GFCU Savings, Gulf and Fraser, Interior Savings and North Peace Savings are trade names of Beam Credit Union.
